I Was So Excited…

It's getting closer to mothers day and its amazing how many of my Mother's pieces reveal her 'mother's heart' possibly non more than this one.

I Was So Excited…
Major Betzann Carroll

I was so excited…no, that is incorrect!

I was overcome, overwhelmed, even obsessed with anticipation of what the next day would bring. Try as I did, there was no way to visualize in my mind’s eye what would actually take place. Often as similar anxious times approached I could imagine what would transpire and get some sense of composure, but not that night. I fought my way through a restless sleep, until finally, I surrendered and gave in to my thoughts. “As a man thinketh in His Heart, so is He.” I did trust God. And as soon as my mind and heart caught up with each other on this roller coaster of emotions, I knew I could resume my daily pace. How many times can you open a refrigerator door before realizing that there is nothing of interest inside?
Finally it was time to leave for the doctor’s office. We should be in and out in no time. Actually, we should be finished in time for both of us to get to work. We would know once and for all. Yes or no, but no more guessing. I went into the office alone and Steve was waiting somewhat patiently in the car. He had not slept well last night either.

Then as quickly as I left I had returned. The answer, it was yes of course. A child was coming! We were beside ourselves. The excitement grew. Just a few weeks later and our baby was not.

They say that time has a way of healing all pain and memory. They say that babies who abort early on in pregnancy most likely have physical problems and it is usually best for both baby and parents. I have never been able to figure out just who “they” are. They were wrong. Time does not heal. God heals. He allows us courage and strength to see that we are not alone. It is time, which has placed this event behind us. But sometimes I still revisit.

That was twenty-eight years and two children ago. We are grandparents now. Both of our children, with serious congenital diseases, are doing well. Stephen, after two heart surgeries, is a minister with a son of his own. Helen, who was never to see her fourteenth birthday, will soon have a baby of her own.

However, in our hearts is a space shaped just like that tiny baby who never actually felt our touch or heard our voice. Our baby was as real as his parents, which conceived him. We had three children and one quickly left us. But he was our baby.